Kerry's Pansy-Ass Gunshot Wounds

It seems that every bored, ex-military conservative in the bible-belt with a working knowledge of the satan-inspired internet has decided to devote entire websites to the unpatriotic service of Kerry in Vietnam, and, more particularly, the insignificance of the wounds Kerry suffered there. Even worse, in a shocking turn of events the boys at Newsmax appear to agree. Look, even Jack Kelly is outraged.

Take, for example, the ultra-specifically titled "Swift Boat Veterans for the Truth," and their damning claims that Kerry spent an inadequate number of months in the cushy Mekong Delta, ran (away, mind you!) from enemy gunfire, made up stories of his own war crimes (for presidential empathy presumably) and arranged for medals to be awarded to himself for what appeared to at least half of the doctors in Southeast Asia as mere non-fatal wounds. These thoughtful organizations and noble armchair warriors help the rest of us understand just how pussy a shrapnel-inflicted flesh wound can be (a pussyness only exacerbated by Kerry's Clintonesque efforts to evade said shrapnel) and the unfitness for Presidency resulting from such pussy flesh wounds.

Far too as yet unshot to make my own determination as to Kerry's war record, I must restrict my analysis to the less salient question of when the Presidential election became nothing more than a battle over who suffered greater injury in a war. Shall this be the only standard by which we measure our candidates? If so, why not throw out the elections, find the toughest, meanest, most-decorated soldier alive and appoint him lifetime emperor. Or, maybe only those people who have had every male member of their family in combat should be allowed to vote at all, like this freak.

By the way, how does Bush measure up to these difficult standards? While Kerry was play-fighting in the Epcotian sector of Nam, Dubya was embroiled in an epic battle with cocaine, hookers and the guy taking attendance at the Texas National Champagne Brigade. I truly believe that Bush is the worst President in a century, but I never begrudged him for not fighting in Vietnam, because I never deemed it a requirement of a good President. I was more concerned with him being a complete moron, a concern which has proven decidedly valid. We desperately need to rethink our priorities in this country.